Home for the Holidays is Not Always a Happy Song

For many within our community I am sure they are excited to head home for the holidays and celebrate with their families over food and wine.  But for others of us the holidays aren’t exactly sources of joy and can even bring deep-seated pain to the surface.  For those of you in this situation, I understand.

There are many in the Axis communities whom if they head home will face brokenness, anger, turmoil, and pain.  Family members caught up in ugly addictions, spouses torn apart by divorce, aunts and uncles that no longer speak with one another because deceit or abandonment from long ago. 

To those of us in that situation I ask, what does it look like to be Christ in our families?  I am genuinely asking this question because I do not know.  My family has been torn apart by divorce.  I barely see my father and hardly know the man that he is, and my mother’s pain is so deep that I do not know how to care for her without being hurt myself.  What would Christ have me do now?  What would it look like for me to incarnate Jesus in my own family and can I even do that?

When I picture Jesus in my family I see someone who is gracious, forgiving, who is so secure in the love of His father that he can scoop up the pain of the world and not be overcome by it.  I do not see any of those qualities in me.  I see Jesus being open and honest, calling my family into account for our actions but in a way that doesn’t cause shame but bathes our darkest secrets in a loving light.  I am unable to accomplish that.

So what does it look like for me to love my family this holiday season?  I’m not really sure but I think it will begin with a prayer.  Cheesy I know but I honestly don’t know where else to turn.

God grant me grace to forgive those things that still bring tears to my eyes and anger to my fists when I think upon them.  Unclench my hands and free me from my own anger.  Help me to trust that you are just and will protect and because of that promise I can engage my family fully and openly.  Grant me the courage to be honest, to share openly and not brush under the rug anything that needs to be seen in the light of day.  Give me hope that tomorrow can be better than today and that healing for all is possible.  But mostly God, be with me.  Be near me and come quickly when I call.  I cannot do this alone.  I cannot do this without You.

Comments

[Kimberly Culbertson]

Andrew, I love the authenticity you bring to the table with every post. And I love that you got real in this post. I think holidays are hard for a lot of us because, more than most days, we have a picture of how they are "supposed" to look, and even a family that isn't torn apart can really live up to it. Pain sticks out even more against the background of warm and festive family perfection.

I wish I had read your post before the holiday weekend, so that I could have joined you in your prayer. But I'm praying now, and God is outside of time and space right ;-)

Thank you for your heart.